05/24/09

Struggling seems to be a topic I run into over and over again lately. It seems safe to say that everyone is struggling somehow whether it is due to the economy, family or personal heartbreak. Today I read 1Thesselonians 3:3 

...so that no one would be disturbed by these afflictions; for you yourselves know that we have been destined for this.

I was reading this as part of a bible study I'm doing and the topic this week is assurance in victory. This verse stood out to me as I was sitting in church listening to the pastor preach on faith. After reading this verse I think it's important to remember that as Christians we are destined for affliction. We are meant to live a life that imitates Christ and a life that each day brings us closer to God. To grow closer we must need him; we must need to deepen our faith. These struggles may be a part of our Christan life. It's difficult to imagine that a loving God would want us to struggle and would willingly allow hurt to be brought into our lives. In this I go back to finding comfort in not needing to understand God. Simply knowing he is God and he has a plan and he will see it through completion (Philippians 1:4-6) is my comfort.). That does mean constant reminders that Christ does have a plan and it is for good. I must also remind myself that my definition of good most likelydoesn't line up with Gods. I base my thoughts and plans on wordlyviews. I try not to, but I'm a sinner and it's inevitable. It's difficult to want and desire and realize that my wants and desires may not be God's will or at least his will for me. It's hard to give control of my life over to him. It means I have to humble myself and I can see where pride constantly gets in the way of my letting God's will come to fruition in my life. 

You must crave pure spiritual milk so that you can grow into the fullness of your salvation. Cry out for this nourishment as a baby crieds for milk, now that you have had a taste of the Lord's kindness.

1 Peter 2:2-3

I crave spiritual milk. I want my relationship with God to grow. There are times when I sit and wonder what my personal relationship with him will look like in 40 years. The same way many wonder on their wedding day what their relationship will be like on thier 50th wedding anniversary. We so often look for someone to share our lives with that we can see ourselves growing old with. This is the same with Jesus. How much more can I learn? How much more can he teach me? I can't wait at times to sit on a rocking chair on my porch in my 80's and look back and see how far my faith has come. Will I still struggle with the same issues? Will there be more? I want to know how I will grow and love and mature...

Knocking

I want so badly for God to take control of certain areas of my life. I yearn for him to direct me in some relationships, some aspects of my life. I give them freely over to him. I even beg him to take control. I realized yesterday I don't do this with every area. Is he not my God in every part of my life? Should I not let him have control over all things? Some things I don't even thing to bring to him or to ask him to help me with. Big things. I let myself become overwhelmed and feel helpless. It's so strange to me. Such a sign of weakness in my spiritual life. I need to let him into every area. I need to trust him with my life not just the little parts I don't want to deal with anymore. He is able and willing to take it all. I don't know why it has to be such a struggle for me to just ask him to take it? He wants to take my pain. I'm not supposed to be in control. I wish it wasn't so hard for me to just give it all over and ask him to take over everything. It's scary though. Letting go certainly isn't what we are taught today to do. We are taught as women to take on more, that we are equal, there is nothing we cannot do. 
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in" Rev. 3:20

He's there waiting, asking...

"His word my hope secures". We sang amazing grace last night in church. That phrase stuck out at me. I've been praying over it and constantly thinking about it since. It's a good feeling.

Needing him...

As I wrote previously, I love the closeness I feel to God when things are shattered and I need, truly, need his help to go on and make it through my day. When I'm that low it's so easy to worship God. Nothing here on earth will satisfy my...only him. I know that isn't how he wants me to worship and need him. I want to be filled with him every day. I need to pray more, worship more just let him into every part of my life. I don't do this nearly enough. Maybe if I did I would feel him more when things are good. I have to learn how to turn to him more at all times...to continually fill my spirit.

Praying for what?

Going through trials and struggles sucks. It's an awful feeling to be hurt or see others hurt, but at the same time I love how close I feel to God when I'm struggling. The other day I found myself praying for more struggles so I can keep building that relationship with him and keep feeling that closeness. Then I realized what that meant. Sure it's okay if my "struggles" are only surface deep, but what happens if I pray for this closeness to deepen and I lose someone close to me or something else unimanginable happens? Will my faith be strong enough to see me through it and come out a better Christian...will I be able to stay as close as I want to God during the most difficult times? I guess right now I'll just be thankful that I don't have to really worry about that. I will learn more, pray more, worship more while things are good so I don't have to worry about my faith waivering when things aren't the greatest.

How wonderful that we will never understand God. Never have to know WHY babies starve, some people never come to know him no matter how much we pray, why that person was saved from cancer but that child suffered, why that woman won't be a mother...

We just have to know that he's perfect. This is so far beyond us. I have no idea what 'perfect' is. We are so not even close that it's unimaginable. It's so much easier for me to 'get' God when I know I don't have to understand him. Not understanding him comforts me. I just have to trust him. I think of growing up and finding out your parents aren't perfect or you 1st grade teacher isn't all you built her up to be. We never have to worry about that with God. He will always be perfect. We can alway's rely on it. We never have to worry that someday we will understand him. 

Thankful

Today I woke up anxious. I do this sometimes; I don't know if it has to do with what I'm dreaming or right before my alarm goes off or what. It's a bad feeling though. I just know that I'm going to start obsessing and worrying about things that I don't want to obsess and worry about. I spent a lot of prayer time on this. I didn't worry about other things. I just wanted peace. That's been kind of a running theme for me lately. I knew today was going to be rough. I prayed that I would stay busy at school. That my mind wouldn't wonder. That I could just trust God and not worry. I wrote down several verses...Phillipians 4:6-8, Jeremiah 29:11-13, and Habakkuk 2:3. I read it several times this morning. About half way through my day I finally focused on part of a verse that was really speaking to me...'tell God what you need, and THANK HIM FOR ALL HE HAS DONE and you will experience God's peace.'. I do a really good job of telling him what I need, but I kind of suck at the other part. I thank him quickly then move on to my needs. Today I really thanked him. I praised him. I trusted him. He has answered my prayers so far...why am I worrying? I felt immediate peace. I've done it all day. If any other thoughts I don't want to think about enter my mind I start praising and thanking him all over. It's been amazing. My God is amazing. 

Doubting

I just keep doubting and not trusting. I keep asking him, 'how do I know this is what I should pray for', 'why would you want me to hurt?', 'this seems foolish and I should get over it,right?'. Then he reminds me that he has answered my prayers so far. I'm reminded that I can't rely on my experiences and my instinct. That isn't faith. That is easier, though. So, I'm going with it. He HAS answered my prayers so far. Not exactly the way I thought they should be answered, but answered none the less. I'll keep having faith or actually 'keep' isn't really the word I should use it's more like 'will have'. 

yuck...

That is how I feel today...Yuck. That pretty much sums it up. The worse part is that I woke up at 3:40 feeling bad and I've only felt worse as the day goes on. I really wanted to scrapbook too. I did one page. If can get my strength up I'll post it. 
I wanted to put a verse on here that I read today. First it would be important that I point out a few things about my devotional time in the morning. Usually, I read my bible first but today I prayed. Today I prayed to just feel peace. I could tell it was going to be a hard day. I was having lots of anxious thoughts about things I didn't want to think about and things I have no control over. I could tell I was pretty much going to make myself miserable. After I prayed I read in Phillipians. Phillipians is one of my favorite books to read from. I'm always encouraged when I read it hence why I've been reading it this week. Anway, getting on...Phillipians 4:6-8 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thinak him for all he has done. IF you do this, you will experiance God's PEACE, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. HIs PEACE WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS as you live in Christ Jesus...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. THink about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 

I needed that this morning. I've read those verses many times, but I really needed to read them this morning and I didn't even have to search them out. 

I've recently been reading Too Busy NOT to Pray. It's changed my prayer life and my life in just a short time. I feel God with me more. Hear him more. I've been praying about a certain situation in my life. I've prayed that God would handle it in the way I thought he would want me to. What I thought was his will. Then suddenly at the most inoppurtune time I suddenly felt like he was telling me 'Wendy, you've prayed that long enough and I haven't answered it. Don't you think it's time you changed your prayer?'. So, I did because I always listen when God gets that sarcastic tone with me. I actually changed my prayer to pray for the outcome I wanted but didn't originally think could be his will. The thing is that I know God could easily do things to bring this outcome quickly and how I WANT it. I don't think he is though. I think I know his will, but his will involves a lot of patience...a lot of faith and a lot of hope. I would rather he would just answer the first prayer...you know the outcome I don't really want, but know he could make happen and it would be okay kin the long run. He can change my heart...why won't he? I feel like he's working, but I also feel like this won't be the quick answer I'm wanting to be his will or the change of heart I want to be his will. I sometimes wish God didn't want to teach us to be better people and to build our faith and patience. Seriously. He is GOD. He could just say 'poof...you are a woman of great faith' or maybe I could pray for patience before I go to bed and wake up a fresh and patient person. I guess if that is how teaching worked, though, I would be out of a job.

Mercy, me!

I've been hearing a little word over and over again in my head for a while. That word is mercy. I've read verses and I have an idea of what it means, but I just felt like I needed to learn more about mercy. I've put it off. I've thought I'll look up the definition and then I forget. I just posted about hope. I quickly looked up a couple of verses on hope and I felt the need again to learn more about mercy. I quicly googled it. I read just one sentence that stood out to me...because we have mercy we have hope. I really feel like God is leading me to be more merciful in my life. To be kind and loving even to those who I don't think deserve it. That has always been a struggle for me. I have no problem going out of my way for the underdog or my closest friends, but if you are annoying me or I think you are just 'stupid' then watch out. I don't have mercy. I long for perfection. In myself...in my students...friends...family...people I date. Thoe only place I'm going to fine it though is in God. Luckily he has mercy for me and loves me anyway. I just need to try doing that in my life with everyone not those that I've chosen to be merciful to. What if God chose who he showed mercy to? 

You would think only so much can go wrong.
Calamity only strikes once.
And you assume this one has suffered her share.
Life will be kinder from here.

Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years,
Sometimes the sky rains night after night.
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions.
It’s more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake,
Our Hope is unchanged.

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man’s wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness, but she marches on.

Oh, ’cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years,
Sometimes the sky rains night after night.
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions.
It’s more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake,
Our Hope is unchanged.

Emmanuel, God is with us,
El Shaddai, all sufficient.
We never walk alone,
And this is our hope.

Our Hope endures the worst of conditions.
It’s more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake,
Our Hope is unchanged.

Having hope. Sometimes I get confused and think it's a sin to hope. I think I shouldn't hope for things. I should have faith that they will happen. Then I remember that  'There are three things that will endure-faith, HOPE, and love- and the greatest of these is love.' 1 Corinthians 13:13. I need to remember that although each day may bring something more onto my plate. Something that brings me down or isn't turning out the way I want it too...each day I have hope that it will be a good day. Being a Christian I know that my hopes aren't empty. God knows what I hope for. I guess I just need to work on combining those three things together in my life...faith, hope and love.

I'm sick to my stomach with heartache. I'm trying not to worry to just give it over to God. I know he doens't want me to worry. I know that I shouldn't worry. He loves me. He wants what is best for me. He has control over everything and through him anything is possible. I can get through everything. It happens for  a reason. He has plans for me. Plans that are good. I hate feeling this way. I try to start praying every time I feel anxious, but it's been hard. I'm worrying about Janie and Ophelia. I can't imagine life with out them. I'm worried about something I've been praying about that concerns my heart. I felt like it was the right thing to pray for so I'm not understanding this recent change of events. I suppose it isn't for me to understand. It isn't for me to reason out. It's for me to turn to God with. To trust him with. To know that things will turn out for the best, because that is the kind of God that I love and worship.

Maybe what God wants for me is to find happiness in my relationship with him. Instead I seem to think that he wants me to wait to be happy in a relationship or with a house or in my job and have patience. Maybe that's not the whole lesson though. I need to be satisfied. To find happiness and joy in my daily relationship with him and not yearn for more. What if there isn't more? Is that the lesson?

1/11

So, already I've fallen behind in the picture taking/blog posting. I'm struggling right now to just give things over to God. To have faith. To trust that he has a plan for me. It's hard to pray for what he wants to happen and not what will give me pleasure. I know what I want, but what does he want for me? How can I know that what I'm praying for is what he wants me to pray for. I feel like my life needs direction. I want a house. I want things to just work out, but I don't want to wait. I know that God has a plan and I'm here for a reason, but waiting is hard. 

12/4

Baby Ophelia
Today is my mom's birthday. We had meatless lasagna(they started fasting today) at Heidi's to celebrate. Janie, Heidi and I stayed and hung out. Ophelia and I took a nap together. Janie just got back from Wyoming today. She told us that she is moving there. Tony is leaving this week to start a job and when he gets  a house in a couple months she'll move there too. She quit her job already. Supposedly, Tony is going to be giving her money and she won't have to work when she moves to Wyoming. I asked her if she and Tony were dating. She didn't know. I asked what would happen if she moves out there and he starts  dating someone. She didn't know, but doesn't seem to think that will happen. She told Heidi and I that we couldn't give her a guilt trip about this because it's somethong she really wants to do. I told her in the car on the way home that I don't want her to say that anymore. She chose to have this baby and make it a big part of our lives and then wants to take her over a thousand miles a way. If anyone expresses sadness about her leaving it isn't to make her feel bad it's because her leaving will truly break our hearts. It isn't about her anymore. 

12/3

The photoalbum/baby book I made for Ophelia ...I have to make 2 more for a woman at church...better get on that
Girls night yesterday for Barbi's birthday. It was fun...a lot of dancing. No Kareoke,but at least we go to dance. I should probably sleep well tonight. I found out some more about J. I'm really sick of his lies and how they keep impacting my life. Everyone says I just need to let it go, but part of me has a hard time doing that. I dwell on things. Too much probably. I guess I need to make use of my word this year and just make peace with this. At some point something in my life will happen and it will just hit me and I realize the reason for all of these trials. I know one reason would be that my relationship with God is slipping. I found it hard to read my bible and pray when I was dealing with the J. thing. I wanted to forgive and be loving, but it was hard and still is. I'm scared to date now...to trust someone again. It's easy to just go back to what I know but I can't figure out if it's really what I want and what is best or if it's comfortable.

A wonderful creation made in freshman art class. That would make it, hmmm...really old(14 or 15 years?). That just shows you how much my mom loves me. She saved it all these years and it isn't small. It's about a foot and 1/2 high and wide. 

One of my favorite scrapbookers does a word of the year; I'm not so sure whether I'm really into it or not. If I were to have a word this year it would be peace or seek. I guess if you put those two together I'm seeking for peace. In every area of my life pretty much. I haven't felt much peace the past couple of months. I'm yearning for it right now. I have faith that each thing that has happened is just one small part in the plan that God has for my life, but I don't have enough faith right now to always remember that.

01/01

Me in '09

Our Christmas soda...tastes like coconut...nasty

Bob and Daisy in their beds they got for Christmas...they haven't left them since that morning 

First day of 2009 and it went pretty well. I actually slept in today...till a little after nine. Then I had lunch with Jo Ann and Lisa. Good times. Heidi was here when I got home so we tag-teamed the pathwords and did manage to increase my high-score by 10 points. Dad made potato soup...yummm. To top the day off I got to watch 1 hour of uninterupted Food Network/HGTV. I've never had cable while living by myself, and I don't really miss it. In fact I didn't even buy the box thingy that you have to have in in February of 09 in order to watch your tv. I just don't watch a lot. BUT while living here I've fallen in love. I think I may make a career switch to interior design, realty or chef.