Needing him...

As I wrote previously, I love the closeness I feel to God when things are shattered and I need, truly, need his help to go on and make it through my day. When I'm that low it's so easy to worship God. Nothing here on earth will satisfy my...only him. I know that isn't how he wants me to worship and need him. I want to be filled with him every day. I need to pray more, worship more just let him into every part of my life. I don't do this nearly enough. Maybe if I did I would feel him more when things are good. I have to learn how to turn to him more at all times...to continually fill my spirit.

Praying for what?

Going through trials and struggles sucks. It's an awful feeling to be hurt or see others hurt, but at the same time I love how close I feel to God when I'm struggling. The other day I found myself praying for more struggles so I can keep building that relationship with him and keep feeling that closeness. Then I realized what that meant. Sure it's okay if my "struggles" are only surface deep, but what happens if I pray for this closeness to deepen and I lose someone close to me or something else unimanginable happens? Will my faith be strong enough to see me through it and come out a better Christian...will I be able to stay as close as I want to God during the most difficult times? I guess right now I'll just be thankful that I don't have to really worry about that. I will learn more, pray more, worship more while things are good so I don't have to worry about my faith waivering when things aren't the greatest.

How wonderful that we will never understand God. Never have to know WHY babies starve, some people never come to know him no matter how much we pray, why that person was saved from cancer but that child suffered, why that woman won't be a mother...

We just have to know that he's perfect. This is so far beyond us. I have no idea what 'perfect' is. We are so not even close that it's unimaginable. It's so much easier for me to 'get' God when I know I don't have to understand him. Not understanding him comforts me. I just have to trust him. I think of growing up and finding out your parents aren't perfect or you 1st grade teacher isn't all you built her up to be. We never have to worry about that with God. He will always be perfect. We can alway's rely on it. We never have to worry that someday we will understand him. 

Thankful

Today I woke up anxious. I do this sometimes; I don't know if it has to do with what I'm dreaming or right before my alarm goes off or what. It's a bad feeling though. I just know that I'm going to start obsessing and worrying about things that I don't want to obsess and worry about. I spent a lot of prayer time on this. I didn't worry about other things. I just wanted peace. That's been kind of a running theme for me lately. I knew today was going to be rough. I prayed that I would stay busy at school. That my mind wouldn't wonder. That I could just trust God and not worry. I wrote down several verses...Phillipians 4:6-8, Jeremiah 29:11-13, and Habakkuk 2:3. I read it several times this morning. About half way through my day I finally focused on part of a verse that was really speaking to me...'tell God what you need, and THANK HIM FOR ALL HE HAS DONE and you will experience God's peace.'. I do a really good job of telling him what I need, but I kind of suck at the other part. I thank him quickly then move on to my needs. Today I really thanked him. I praised him. I trusted him. He has answered my prayers so far...why am I worrying? I felt immediate peace. I've done it all day. If any other thoughts I don't want to think about enter my mind I start praising and thanking him all over. It's been amazing. My God is amazing. 

Doubting

I just keep doubting and not trusting. I keep asking him, 'how do I know this is what I should pray for', 'why would you want me to hurt?', 'this seems foolish and I should get over it,right?'. Then he reminds me that he has answered my prayers so far. I'm reminded that I can't rely on my experiences and my instinct. That isn't faith. That is easier, though. So, I'm going with it. He HAS answered my prayers so far. Not exactly the way I thought they should be answered, but answered none the less. I'll keep having faith or actually 'keep' isn't really the word I should use it's more like 'will have'. 

yuck...

That is how I feel today...Yuck. That pretty much sums it up. The worse part is that I woke up at 3:40 feeling bad and I've only felt worse as the day goes on. I really wanted to scrapbook too. I did one page. If can get my strength up I'll post it. 
I wanted to put a verse on here that I read today. First it would be important that I point out a few things about my devotional time in the morning. Usually, I read my bible first but today I prayed. Today I prayed to just feel peace. I could tell it was going to be a hard day. I was having lots of anxious thoughts about things I didn't want to think about and things I have no control over. I could tell I was pretty much going to make myself miserable. After I prayed I read in Phillipians. Phillipians is one of my favorite books to read from. I'm always encouraged when I read it hence why I've been reading it this week. Anway, getting on...Phillipians 4:6-8 "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thinak him for all he has done. IF you do this, you will experiance God's PEACE, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. HIs PEACE WILL GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS as you live in Christ Jesus...Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. THink about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 

I needed that this morning. I've read those verses many times, but I really needed to read them this morning and I didn't even have to search them out. 

I've recently been reading Too Busy NOT to Pray. It's changed my prayer life and my life in just a short time. I feel God with me more. Hear him more. I've been praying about a certain situation in my life. I've prayed that God would handle it in the way I thought he would want me to. What I thought was his will. Then suddenly at the most inoppurtune time I suddenly felt like he was telling me 'Wendy, you've prayed that long enough and I haven't answered it. Don't you think it's time you changed your prayer?'. So, I did because I always listen when God gets that sarcastic tone with me. I actually changed my prayer to pray for the outcome I wanted but didn't originally think could be his will. The thing is that I know God could easily do things to bring this outcome quickly and how I WANT it. I don't think he is though. I think I know his will, but his will involves a lot of patience...a lot of faith and a lot of hope. I would rather he would just answer the first prayer...you know the outcome I don't really want, but know he could make happen and it would be okay kin the long run. He can change my heart...why won't he? I feel like he's working, but I also feel like this won't be the quick answer I'm wanting to be his will or the change of heart I want to be his will. I sometimes wish God didn't want to teach us to be better people and to build our faith and patience. Seriously. He is GOD. He could just say 'poof...you are a woman of great faith' or maybe I could pray for patience before I go to bed and wake up a fresh and patient person. I guess if that is how teaching worked, though, I would be out of a job.

Mercy, me!

I've been hearing a little word over and over again in my head for a while. That word is mercy. I've read verses and I have an idea of what it means, but I just felt like I needed to learn more about mercy. I've put it off. I've thought I'll look up the definition and then I forget. I just posted about hope. I quickly looked up a couple of verses on hope and I felt the need again to learn more about mercy. I quicly googled it. I read just one sentence that stood out to me...because we have mercy we have hope. I really feel like God is leading me to be more merciful in my life. To be kind and loving even to those who I don't think deserve it. That has always been a struggle for me. I have no problem going out of my way for the underdog or my closest friends, but if you are annoying me or I think you are just 'stupid' then watch out. I don't have mercy. I long for perfection. In myself...in my students...friends...family...people I date. Thoe only place I'm going to fine it though is in God. Luckily he has mercy for me and loves me anyway. I just need to try doing that in my life with everyone not those that I've chosen to be merciful to. What if God chose who he showed mercy to? 

You would think only so much can go wrong.
Calamity only strikes once.
And you assume this one has suffered her share.
Life will be kinder from here.

Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years,
Sometimes the sky rains night after night.
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions.
It’s more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake,
Our Hope is unchanged.

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man’s wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is torn
With illness, but she marches on.

Oh, ’cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years,
Sometimes the sky rains night after night.
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions.
It’s more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake,
Our Hope is unchanged.

Emmanuel, God is with us,
El Shaddai, all sufficient.
We never walk alone,
And this is our hope.

Our Hope endures the worst of conditions.
It’s more than our optimism.
Let the earth quake,
Our Hope is unchanged.

Having hope. Sometimes I get confused and think it's a sin to hope. I think I shouldn't hope for things. I should have faith that they will happen. Then I remember that  'There are three things that will endure-faith, HOPE, and love- and the greatest of these is love.' 1 Corinthians 13:13. I need to remember that although each day may bring something more onto my plate. Something that brings me down or isn't turning out the way I want it too...each day I have hope that it will be a good day. Being a Christian I know that my hopes aren't empty. God knows what I hope for. I guess I just need to work on combining those three things together in my life...faith, hope and love.