I'm sick to my stomach with heartache. I'm trying not to worry to just give it over to God. I know he doens't want me to worry. I know that I shouldn't worry. He loves me. He wants what is best for me. He has control over everything and through him anything is possible. I can get through everything. It happens for  a reason. He has plans for me. Plans that are good. I hate feeling this way. I try to start praying every time I feel anxious, but it's been hard. I'm worrying about Janie and Ophelia. I can't imagine life with out them. I'm worried about something I've been praying about that concerns my heart. I felt like it was the right thing to pray for so I'm not understanding this recent change of events. I suppose it isn't for me to understand. It isn't for me to reason out. It's for me to turn to God with. To trust him with. To know that things will turn out for the best, because that is the kind of God that I love and worship.

Maybe what God wants for me is to find happiness in my relationship with him. Instead I seem to think that he wants me to wait to be happy in a relationship or with a house or in my job and have patience. Maybe that's not the whole lesson though. I need to be satisfied. To find happiness and joy in my daily relationship with him and not yearn for more. What if there isn't more? Is that the lesson?

1/11

So, already I've fallen behind in the picture taking/blog posting. I'm struggling right now to just give things over to God. To have faith. To trust that he has a plan for me. It's hard to pray for what he wants to happen and not what will give me pleasure. I know what I want, but what does he want for me? How can I know that what I'm praying for is what he wants me to pray for. I feel like my life needs direction. I want a house. I want things to just work out, but I don't want to wait. I know that God has a plan and I'm here for a reason, but waiting is hard. 

12/4

Baby Ophelia
Today is my mom's birthday. We had meatless lasagna(they started fasting today) at Heidi's to celebrate. Janie, Heidi and I stayed and hung out. Ophelia and I took a nap together. Janie just got back from Wyoming today. She told us that she is moving there. Tony is leaving this week to start a job and when he gets  a house in a couple months she'll move there too. She quit her job already. Supposedly, Tony is going to be giving her money and she won't have to work when she moves to Wyoming. I asked her if she and Tony were dating. She didn't know. I asked what would happen if she moves out there and he starts  dating someone. She didn't know, but doesn't seem to think that will happen. She told Heidi and I that we couldn't give her a guilt trip about this because it's somethong she really wants to do. I told her in the car on the way home that I don't want her to say that anymore. She chose to have this baby and make it a big part of our lives and then wants to take her over a thousand miles a way. If anyone expresses sadness about her leaving it isn't to make her feel bad it's because her leaving will truly break our hearts. It isn't about her anymore. 

12/3

The photoalbum/baby book I made for Ophelia ...I have to make 2 more for a woman at church...better get on that
Girls night yesterday for Barbi's birthday. It was fun...a lot of dancing. No Kareoke,but at least we go to dance. I should probably sleep well tonight. I found out some more about J. I'm really sick of his lies and how they keep impacting my life. Everyone says I just need to let it go, but part of me has a hard time doing that. I dwell on things. Too much probably. I guess I need to make use of my word this year and just make peace with this. At some point something in my life will happen and it will just hit me and I realize the reason for all of these trials. I know one reason would be that my relationship with God is slipping. I found it hard to read my bible and pray when I was dealing with the J. thing. I wanted to forgive and be loving, but it was hard and still is. I'm scared to date now...to trust someone again. It's easy to just go back to what I know but I can't figure out if it's really what I want and what is best or if it's comfortable.

A wonderful creation made in freshman art class. That would make it, hmmm...really old(14 or 15 years?). That just shows you how much my mom loves me. She saved it all these years and it isn't small. It's about a foot and 1/2 high and wide. 

One of my favorite scrapbookers does a word of the year; I'm not so sure whether I'm really into it or not. If I were to have a word this year it would be peace or seek. I guess if you put those two together I'm seeking for peace. In every area of my life pretty much. I haven't felt much peace the past couple of months. I'm yearning for it right now. I have faith that each thing that has happened is just one small part in the plan that God has for my life, but I don't have enough faith right now to always remember that.

01/01

Me in '09

Our Christmas soda...tastes like coconut...nasty

Bob and Daisy in their beds they got for Christmas...they haven't left them since that morning 

First day of 2009 and it went pretty well. I actually slept in today...till a little after nine. Then I had lunch with Jo Ann and Lisa. Good times. Heidi was here when I got home so we tag-teamed the pathwords and did manage to increase my high-score by 10 points. Dad made potato soup...yummm. To top the day off I got to watch 1 hour of uninterupted Food Network/HGTV. I've never had cable while living by myself, and I don't really miss it. In fact I didn't even buy the box thingy that you have to have in in February of 09 in order to watch your tv. I just don't watch a lot. BUT while living here I've fallen in love. I think I may make a career switch to interior design, realty or chef.